Baby Cannon, March 10, 2010
Sweet boy, you were imagined and dreamt about long before you were even conceived. We hoped for you and talked about you so much that on several occasions I thought you were growing in my belly before you actually were; that is why when you first made yourself known to me your father did not believe it! We had some rough spots in the beginning, nothing that I couldn’t handle for you my love; but I did even throw up in the McDonalds parking lot along with every other bathroom in my path of our first few months together. None of that mattered compared to how excited we were and any symptoms I felt were eased because of dreams of holding your hand and imagining your beautiful face.
Your father was always so nervous during this time; he couldn’t believe how lucky we were to start our family. Always a little anxious and not able to sleep he was always a proud papa just waiting for them to officially tell us that you had a good strong heart beat.
Every one of our friends and family thought that you were a girl… except your Dad of course, he knew you were a boy and that you were gonna be just like him. He even said you were going to join us in a bandana and ride a chopper by 1!
When you were 8 weeks old we got to see you for the first time! You were just a little bean, so perfect, with the fastest and strongest heart beat. We couldn’t believe how strong you were and we were so proud of you, we also were extremely proud of ourselves; you made us happier than we could have ever imagined being.
Oh Cannon, how you grew sooo fast; and me too, your Dad thought that I was going to give birth to an 18 year old because of how much we grew together! That’s your Dad though, he sure can make us laugh, I’m sure you would recognize our laughs because we did it all the time. We were just a happy and lucky family.
Everyone was so excited for you even strangers everywhere asked about you, they too knew you were special. But you were especially loved by your big family that you have. Your Mema cried with me when she found out, she could not wait to have another grandbaby; from that day forward she constantly was going through clothes, figuring out what baby stuff we have, your Mema always took care of us. Your Papa never stopped asking about how we were doing. Their were nights that I would go to Papa’s and cry to him, nothing that you did, but I was pretty emotional sometimes and he was always there and wanted nothing but the best for us. Your Uncle Chris, Aunt Sarah, Angie and JJ were so happy for us and couldn’t wait to meet you. They all were so excited for the new baby cousin. You would have been the spoiled baby because your cousins were already gaining some age on you but were already so curious to meet you. You were loved baby boy, more than even imaginable!!!
Your Daddy was proud of you everyday, but you pushed the limits on January 21st. We went for your big boy ultrasound because you were 18 weeks old. They took all your measurements and made sure you were growing strong. That was the day they told us you were a good strong boy! Your Daddy couldn’t have been prouder! He would have given us the world, and son trust me he tried, your Dad did everything to make us happy and give you THE best life. We’ll keep it a secret between you and I, but your Dad shed a few tears of joy when he heard you were growing to be his strong little boy.
Your Dad and I had so much fun picking out your name, we went rounds and rounds, sending each other messages throughout the day with what we thought. We both loved the name Cannon; it is fitting for you son because it represents the strong boy that you are. Your middle name Richard was a given from the beginning, you were named this after your Great-Granddad, your father’s favorite man in the world; hopefully you will meet him soon and that he will be taking your hand and showing you the way, just as he did for your Father so many years ago.
You were such a good boy and I was so happy when we were together! Everyone could see it on my face, you lit up my life son. We had our routines, I drank a lot of water, then you would push on my bladder, there were times we almost didn’t make it! You sure did like hot stuff and we didn’t even get heartburn. I’m pretty sure that you slept all day while I was at work; I hope you liked walking around with me all day. Then we would go home and lay down with Daddy and I know you liked that part because you would always wake up and give a few kicks so that your Daddy could feel you, those were our best moments as a family and we will never forget them.
There were a couple of nights that you didn’t really move around too much, I thought you were just changing up your sleep schedule. Your Dad made me call the doctor rather than wait any longer. I’m so so sorry that I waited to call, Why didn’t I know something was wrong?
We went into the Doctor’s office with one of the nurses and she had the small machine that just listens for your heartbeat, your father and I didn’t think that there was anything wrong, especially because she thought she heard you move in the beginning. It took her a couple of minutes, listening, moving the wand around on my belly, listening, listening. She then stepped out and brought in another nurse; too this nurse listened and listened with still no noise but my own. When they brought in the Dr. with the large ultrasound machine I looked at your father who already had tears in his eyes, we knew then that something was not right. I looked up at the screen as the Dr. wanded over your little body, and son you had no heartbeat.
I know that I screamed for you and your father held us tight; it was all we could do, and I’m sorry.
The next morning we went in one last time as a family to the hospital to give you a formal birth like you deserve. It took several hours because it was not supposed to be our time to part, but at 6:48 in the evening you came down the birth canal. I wanted to see you immediately but they had to unwrap you from the umbilical cord that had gotten around your throat twice and your arm and your leg; you poor thing I’m so sorry. That wasn’t supposed to happen, I don’t understand why it did, son, we were going to give you the world, and we had so much more love to give you, we had a LONG lifetime of love to give you, not just a 6 month lifetime. But we will still love you just as much and forever Cannon, we promise you that.
Your father and I and other family members held you, little boy, we held your little body in our arms and kissed and loved you in the short period of time after you were born. I think that was the best and worst moment of my life; I was glad that I was able to see you, but I had to meet you and say goodbye to you in the same moment. It isn’t fair! You were perfect; you had your father’s long toes and fingers, even though you were so little. I will always remember your face Cannon. Please just remember that in your 6 months of life you were loved more than anything and that you always will be loved and you will be our son forever Cannon Richard Cross, you will be the Cannon in our hearts forever! Love you Angel.
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