Their might be a plus sign there

So, this is the part of the month where I think I'm pg more and more everyday... it's not really that insane, it's not like I think about it all the time... but, it is helpful to know; therefore the time of the month that I help ept and all of the other pee stick companies hit their quota.  I don't discriminate, although ept is pretty pricey and target brand is the cheapest, I buy them all.  I start with a 2 pack, telling myself that I am not going to start testing until the first day of my expected period.  Turns out I can't wait that long!  I rush right home mid-day and bust out the first one, even though it's like 7 days before... I know it's crazy!  And such a waste of money I have to hide them from Andy.  I think somehow I have super human hormone charges that are going to make the test appear magically for me, or maybe I can just see the faintest of line and then I would at least kind of know... how do you not wanna know?!  On a good note, Andy finally read my blog the other night.  He liked it, what a relief... I wasn't even sure he could read!  Just kidding, but I am relieved he liked it... I was a little worried he wouldn't let me incriminate him as much as I do.

Throwing up = PG

About a week or 2 before my side effects really kicked in from the hormones, Andy and I decided to ask the dr. if we could bump up the dose to speed things up a bit.  Our doc said no, that the side effects would be worse. But she did say that I should take a test to see if I ovulated at all, good idea since I don't use the ov. test strips anymore cause they put too much urgency on the days that you are actually ovulating rather than the couple days before.  A couple weeks later, on my 18th cycle day, I went to take the test, just a simple blood draw.  About an hour later I felt really woozy, so I decided to head home and start dinner early (and, no btw, I'm not a good cook) as I pull off the highway onto my exit I scrambled for a trash bag, luckily in my back seat and well you probably have visualized the rest.  I hate throwing up.  Immediately, when you tell people you threw up... the response is always "are you pregnant?"   Hmmmm, I would be about 3 days pregnant; I am on super hormones but unless I am having quadruplets, I doubt I would be sick already...
but you never know...

Who needs a boob job when they sell the miracle bra?

At my last job I worked with a bunch of fun, young women all day, almost everyday.  I miss them a lot, they kept me young and surely they made me laugh all the time.  One day, one of my girls walk in with her itty bitty 5'2 frame and her boobs were, well, bigger; so all day it was business as usual but by the end of the night in the office I had to ask her "did you get a boob job?".  It wasn't a boob job, nor was it a growth spurt... it was the miracle bra.  So here I am a few weeks later with what appears to be some big boobs (well big for me).  When I first showed up with my new bra on, I asked my husband, "honey, do you like the new boobs you bought me?" I don't remember a response cause I was too busy laughing at myself.  He did tell me a little while later that he would be dissappointed if we just started dating and he saw my boobs dissappear in front of him, ha, good thing he married this 36B!

The FUN Days

So, anyone who has tried to get pregnant in a calculated method know that days 11- 17 are serious days.  Well, after roughly 19 months of trying their not so serious anymore.  Each day is a different duty in "doing it" (as we call it at my house); there's no foreplay anymore just a roll over "hey babe you wanna do it?"  don't feel bad for me - it makes me laugh!    Days 11-17, we are supposed to "do it" every other day.  I remember in the beginning I was working 12 hour days, and my husband 10 hours which weren't really opposite but might as well have been, I recall having to wake up early and having a bed romp with my hair curlers in - hot!  Well, admittedly it's not always easy to calculate when and how.  Like this month for example, my O days started off good, you know, days 11 and 13 pretty typical missionary, lay around for 10 minutes afterward with my legs in the air- yes, I do that.  but on the 14th day, which should be our off day, we went to a concert and if you know Andy and I we had more than a few beers.  I had on these cute wedges that were a little bit higher than maybe they shoulda been, so I felt a little stripperish the whole night.. typically this would lead to some funny episodes of my trying to be a stripper in the bedroom; but not this time.  We were just laying in bed, really ready to get ready to sleep, flippin throught the boob tube... well, it really did turn into a boob tube!  I asked him to put on a porn for us, oh my, what have I done!  Comcast, btw, does not have the best selection- this may be something that has to be planned out and possibly take a trip to the... porn store? I don't even know where to shop for porn.  Either way, we got one and it was hard core- I could've named that myself, next time we'll go for the "soft" version.  If the task at hand was to make sure that their wasn't a single little swimmer left, then I would say mission accomplished.

Swift Kick in the mind changer

Here I am writing again less then 12 hours later.  I ended my post last night with a phrase that I was going to "try to get pregnant again"... not in that exact way, because I'm not ovulating yet, but part of it is taking these ridiculous pills.  So I exited out of this blog in a great mood, feeling good about what I got out in words; but then, I went onto a friends blog and started looking at her pictures and reading a small caption about the wonderfully romantic things that her husband does for her... and that was the end of it.  I typically am a person that is okay and happy being alone and not insecure, but last night reading that post made me automatically start thinking that my husband doesn't love me anymore because he hadnt kissed me since I got home earlier that afternoon, and because he doesn't write me sappy text messages anymore and because I haven't gotten a back tickle in over a month.  WHO AM I??  I sure hope not this super needy woman my husband has had to put up with lately. The worst thing that I couldve done was to open my mouth and bring it up, then cry myself to sleep.  My poor husband.  Really, it's all on him, well, because isn't it always taken out on the husband?   He isn't really the romantic type, so why am I wanting him to be?  The final conclusion last night, no more hormones, they might get me divorced before making a baby.

Caution: No Singing and Driving on Hormones!

I am writing this in my 3rd month of taking crazy hormones in order to better my fertility.  It's a really common drug, my dr. says she prescribed it like candy in Arizona.  But, why haven't I heard any other horror stories like the ones I'm living.  Oh, let me not get carried away... it's more like comedy rather than horror now that I'm looking back a little bit.  Driving up to the mountains the other day, in a great mood, even though I was driving, because my husband had just gotten a steroid injection in his back and was super loopy with all the drugs they gave him.  His dr's warned me feverlessly that he shouldn't drive at all, all day, and no drinking all day; bottom line I WAS IN CHARGE... well if they only knew me or my husband at all they know that Andy is too much of a drill sergeant and I am the free bird.  So my in-chargeness was defeated just after my first hour on the road when we stopped for my first pit stop and I was locked out of my seat!  So (back to what I was going on about) for the first hour I was driving... I much more enjoy my road trips in the passenger seat, but was very much enjoying it otherwise, the radio was just loud enough to cover our out of tuneness, but not loud enough so we could still hear each other when the wrong words were used.  A farely typical, but one of my favorite songs came on talking about loving your wife and working hard and so on; and I was belting it... and mid sentence the tears just roll, pretty close to histerics by the end of the song.  Really, I cry with a big smile on my face because my husband thinks it's hilarious.... well, and a little crazy.  

I'm pretty sure in the last half year I have earned the right to cry on cue for the next 10 years, but that's not me. I've tried very hard to keep my emotions to myself, no matter what happened I have never wanted anyone feeling sorry for me... I want to bring happiness... I want sunshine, after the rain.   So maybe after losing my son 5 months ago I wanted sunshine too soon.  I just wanted happy again.  So I went back to normal life as quickly as possible.  I went back to work 4 days after, I thought that life would magically appear in bright colors again, rather than in the dark gray cloud that my husband and I were living in.  I feel that I dealt with it the best I could, I'm not much of a mourner or a depressed person.  I became a little compulsive with getting past it... but when it rains it storms.  I then lost my job.  Then, we had to give our puppy to someone else.  Then, a friend passed.  Not in that order, because my friend passed before I lost my job, but just recently I found out about it.  I think this is the final pull to get me to write about everything is to let myself know... outloud... that there is sunshine in all this madness. 

Everyday, I just want to move forward with a smile on my face and try to get pregnant again = ) All in all life is pretty good!!

Dear Cannon

Baby Cannon,                                                                     March 10, 2010




Sweet boy, you were imagined and dreamt about long before you were even conceived. We hoped for you and talked about you so much that on several occasions I thought you were growing in my belly before you actually were; that is why when you first made yourself known to me your father did not believe it! We had some rough spots in the beginning, nothing that I couldn’t handle for you my love; but I did even throw up in the McDonalds parking lot along with every other bathroom in my path of our first few months together. None of that mattered compared to how excited we were and any symptoms I felt were eased because of dreams of holding your hand and imagining your beautiful face.



Your father was always so nervous during this time; he couldn’t believe how lucky we were to start our family. Always a little anxious and not able to sleep he was always a proud papa just waiting for them to officially tell us that you had a good strong heart beat.



Every one of our friends and family thought that you were a girl… except your Dad of course, he knew you were a boy and that you were gonna be just like him. He even said you were going to join us in a bandana and ride a chopper by 1!



When you were 8 weeks old we got to see you for the first time! You were just a little bean, so perfect, with the fastest and strongest heart beat. We couldn’t believe how strong you were and we were so proud of you, we also were extremely proud of ourselves; you made us happier than we could have ever imagined being.



Oh Cannon, how you grew sooo fast; and me too, your Dad thought that I was going to give birth to an 18 year old because of how much we grew together! That’s your Dad though, he sure can make us laugh, I’m sure you would recognize our laughs because we did it all the time. We were just a happy and lucky family.



Everyone was so excited for you even strangers everywhere asked about you, they too knew you were special. But you were especially loved by your big family that you have. Your Mema cried with me when she found out, she could not wait to have another grandbaby; from that day forward she constantly was going through clothes, figuring out what baby stuff we have, your Mema always took care of us. Your Papa never stopped asking about how we were doing. Their were nights that I would go to Papa’s and cry to him, nothing that you did, but I was pretty emotional sometimes and he was always there and wanted nothing but the best for us. Your Uncle Chris, Aunt Sarah, Angie and JJ were so happy for us and couldn’t wait to meet you. They all were so excited for the new baby cousin. You would have been the spoiled baby because your cousins were already gaining some age on you but were already so curious to meet you. You were loved baby boy, more than even imaginable!!!



Your Daddy was proud of you everyday, but you pushed the limits on January 21st. We went for your big boy ultrasound because you were 18 weeks old. They took all your measurements and made sure you were growing strong. That was the day they told us you were a good strong boy! Your Daddy couldn’t have been prouder! He would have given us the world, and son trust me he tried, your Dad did everything to make us happy and give you THE best life. We’ll keep it a secret between you and I, but your Dad shed a few tears of joy when he heard you were growing to be his strong little boy.



Your Dad and I had so much fun picking out your name, we went rounds and rounds, sending each other messages throughout the day with what we thought. We both loved the name Cannon; it is fitting for you son because it represents the strong boy that you are. Your middle name Richard was a given from the beginning, you were named this after your Great-Granddad, your father’s favorite man in the world; hopefully you will meet him soon and that he will be taking your hand and showing you the way, just as he did for your Father so many years ago.



You were such a good boy and I was so happy when we were together! Everyone could see it on my face, you lit up my life son. We had our routines, I drank a lot of water, then you would push on my bladder, there were times we almost didn’t make it! You sure did like hot stuff and we didn’t even get heartburn. I’m pretty sure that you slept all day while I was at work; I hope you liked walking around with me all day. Then we would go home and lay down with Daddy and I know you liked that part because you would always wake up and give a few kicks so that your Daddy could feel you, those were our best moments as a family and we will never forget them.



There were a couple of nights that you didn’t really move around too much, I thought you were just changing up your sleep schedule. Your Dad made me call the doctor rather than wait any longer. I’m so so sorry that I waited to call, Why didn’t I know something was wrong?



We went into the Doctor’s office with one of the nurses and she had the small machine that just listens for your heartbeat, your father and I didn’t think that there was anything wrong, especially because she thought she heard you move in the beginning. It took her a couple of minutes, listening, moving the wand around on my belly, listening, listening. She then stepped out and brought in another nurse; too this nurse listened and listened with still no noise but my own. When they brought in the Dr. with the large ultrasound machine I looked at your father who already had tears in his eyes, we knew then that something was not right. I looked up at the screen as the Dr. wanded over your little body, and son you had no heartbeat.



I know that I screamed for you and your father held us tight; it was all we could do, and I’m sorry.



The next morning we went in one last time as a family to the hospital to give you a formal birth like you deserve. It took several hours because it was not supposed to be our time to part, but at 6:48 in the evening you came down the birth canal. I wanted to see you immediately but they had to unwrap you from the umbilical cord that had gotten around your throat twice and your arm and your leg; you poor thing I’m so sorry. That wasn’t supposed to happen, I don’t understand why it did, son, we were going to give you the world, and we had so much more love to give you, we had a LONG lifetime of love to give you, not just a 6 month lifetime. But we will still love you just as much and forever Cannon, we promise you that.



Your father and I and other family members held you, little boy, we held your little body in our arms and kissed and loved you in the short period of time after you were born. I think that was the best and worst moment of my life; I was glad that I was able to see you, but I had to meet you and say goodbye to you in the same moment. It isn’t fair! You were perfect; you had your father’s long toes and fingers, even though you were so little. I will always remember your face Cannon. Please just remember that in your 6 months of life you were loved more than anything and that you always will be loved and you will be our son forever Cannon Richard Cross, you will be the Cannon in our hearts forever! Love you Angel.